Funny when you get exactly what you want only to freak out and have no idea where to go with it next. For those who know me or have been following my journey would know that it took me ten years to start sharing my story but when I did I went out there with as much gusto as I could muster, winning two awards in the first year.
I deep dived into the ostomy world starting this blog along with my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter accounts. All the while continuing my volunteer work at the West Australian Ostomy Association as the youngest Treasurer and then President in the associations 48 year history, something the ageing volunteers were not ready for in spite of the members needs.
Quick Recap
Hindsight is always 20/20 and its never clear in the situation exactly where you will end up or how you will react to it.
I was not unfamiliar to mental health issues spending many of my early ostomy years dealing with severe depression and so much self hate that ending my life seemed like a viable option. Like many others, this passed as my overall health improved and my life was truly better off.
I was also lucky that at this time I met my amazing husband and he helped me accept myself flaws and all. Without this self-acceptance I would never started sharing my story which won me Convatec’s 2016 Great Comeback Award and spawned Insideout Ostomy Life, April 2017.
The Panic…
Things went swimmingly until the panic attacks started, the first onslaught was just after winning WEGO health’s 2017 Rookie of the year. The night before flying out to the US I hurt my back. I began to catastrophise and was certain I would let everyone down, in short making me a failure, a huge trigger for my anxiety.
I had put so much pressure on myself that I had paralysed myself in fear. With my husband’s support, some good drugs, a reminder from a good friend and my trusty Omnigon Support belt we made it through the awards evening and got to sneak in a walk to the Hollywood sign on the stop-over.
Moving past that the second wave came soon after some serious WAOA business arose involving lawyers.
Very long story short, due to the situation only the board and people in question knew the full facts, this infuriated the uninformed volunteers. Instead of accepting that there are laws and as a board we were acting within our legal requirements, they decided to vent their full force at me.
The hate I was greeted with by some of the volunteers was appalling. When they weren’t telling me I should be ashamed of myself or that I was a downright disgusting person, they were outright ignoring me, then to top it off I was told my advocacy work was damaging the association and found many of my articles and ostomy features in the bin.
Many of the ageing volunteers were not ready for change and were happy for us to stay in the shadows following the old mindset that conditions like this should be hidden.
I had put so time and energy into building member supports, that to be treated so badly by the volunteers broke me, leaving me in a dangerously low place, unable to function or find any love for my stoma. With no love for my stoma I stopped writing ostomy related blogs and reduced all my interactions on social media.
The Comeback…
I started regularly contributing to Steemit as my alter ego @insideoutlet, where I could just be me. I could write a short story, a joke or post about my day, a place I visited or even an audio book I listened too. Day by day I found some love for myself and my stoma again and started interacting on Facebook and Instagram.
Then came the next bombshell that would flip my shitty 2018 into the most amazing year of my life, we were matched with our beautiful son two years early, this gave me an opt out of WAOA business and my anxiety eased.
While I had a reason to write I had no time, I was still working part-time and every spare moment I had I wanted to spend with my new family.
What to expect next…
Just over a year has passed now, I have started maternity leave and it is time to start creating content for my blog again (while he sleeps). I’m excited to be writing again. Can I promise consistency, no. While I have the panic attacks under control, even now anxiety can stop me from doing things I want to be doing for fear of a million and one unrealistic things…
It’s in these times I remind myself that it’s my choice what I do, if I post and what I post about. Some of you may have noticed that I updated my social media handles, I did it to remind myself that I am more than my illnesses and my ‘InsideOutlet’** is a place I can be me.
So that’s it, that’s me, I’m back and because I am more than my ostomy I will be posing more varied content here soon, ostomy will still feature and guest posts will be back too. However get ready from some finance fun as we start our F.I.R.E Journey, mental health struggles, toddler adventures and family fun. I hope you stick around, enjoy the content and invite your friends too. Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram or Facebook to get the full fun.
If you have anything specific questions or topics you want me to talk about. Let me know via the contact link.
